For all of the Family

These jokes are safe for the whole family!

Enjoy. And have fun with there.

 

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!”

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Why is a chicken’s home called a coup?  If it had four doors it would be a sedan.

What is the bare minimum?  One bear

What do you call a bull with no legs? Ground beef

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Snow

Snow who?

Snow business like show business!

 

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
 A Christmas Quacker!

Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said “I don’t know about you but I can smell carrots.”!

Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can “ho ho ho”!

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? Because he had a low “elf” esteem!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
 A Christmas Quacker!

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

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